pargon ([personal profile] pargon) wrote2008-09-17 02:11 am

all sailor boys have their demons

for as long as I've been able to speak and write, two (four?) things have always always always been true about me:

because I can't stop talking, I feel like writing.
because I have a guilt complex, I feel like apologizing.

combined, those don't go together very well. I don't know what I'm apologizing for anymore. I had an excellent Monday night, right up until just before midnight when Lindsay called bawling about her roommate drama as usual. so I left, between colors, and I went to her suite and talked her down instead. I was a good friend. I'm glad that I did it, because she needed it, and Lindsay is a very neurotic person. and I want her to be happy here, not as stressed out as she's been.

but that doesn't mean that a part of me didn't want to be back at Digrande's house with everyone else.

for which I felt guilty. and I told her so. I told Lindsay a lot of things that I feel guilty about, because in truth, I'm a very lucky and privileged person. I have an awesome relationship with both of my parents. and yes, my mom has failing health, but she hangs in there every time. my family supports me. we have a decent amount of money. I find it easy to make friends. I go to a good school. I find it impossible to stress about school, I rarely study, I write papers on the fly, and I get excellent grades anyway. I've been told that I have many good characteristics. sure, I'm a hotheaded loudmouthed impulsive obnoxious tactless jackass, but the simple fact is that I have a good life, and I love it.

I wish everyone could be like that. I really do.

so I constantly feel guilty. Lindsay told me that I shouldn't, just as people do whenever I voice this — don't feel guilty for liking it here, don't feel guilty for having things come easily (which isn't to say that I don't work hard), don't feel guilty for having new friends and a life at all. people can say that all they want, but a messiah complex comes with major guilt issues, and it's been like this since I can remember.

it's one of those things I'm working on.

I am not a self-deprecating person at all. my ego is huge and has been fluffed up my entire life; I think more highly of myself than anyone else and I know that only about half of that is well-deserved. so I don't say these things for pity or for placating statements of solidarity or love or whatever the fuck. I say it because it needs to be said.

when I saw the poet -I- in Berkeley a week ago, she performed a poem called Skeletons. I donated money to her and was rewarded with a book; twenty-eight pages of her poetry. I reread Skeletons every night. I think that's what got me started on this, got the gears turning.

i pull secrets into the light and watch them break.
Pushing life back into my future.
Tell me why we have secrets with bones stronger than the bones that we grow our flesh on.
Why are we so weak?
Only strong enough to hold secrets.
Our identities are being held prisoner by our demons.
Tell me when we will grow a back bone,
and finally be strong enough to swing that door open
and clean out our closets?

really, that doesn't do it justice. it loses so much when you can't be there to see her face and hear her words. but the poem still struck me when I first heard her say it, and now I reread it before bed and I lie next to the open window and think and think and think and think.

I reiterate: I don't say these things so you can go oh bb ♥ (though I do appreciate it, every single time). I say these things because they need to be said, and dealt with, and to hopefully push someone else to say them for themselves. it's a journey everyone needs to make, but one you can only make on your own. I can't tell you how, and I definitely can't force you. but I can do it for myself.

so here are my secrets.

I stopped taking my antidepressants during senior year. only my mother knows that. I was diagnosed with depression forever and a day ago, and have decided, after many years of different therapy and medication and meditation and everything you could think of, that it's a healing process that I want to do on my own.

when I was nine years old and had just moved to Sacramento, my stepgrandma abused me pretty thoroughly, so I threatened her with a knife. she only laid off when I acted back, which is how I learned to defend myself.

I used to be in a fight club during my eighth grade year and then freshman year of high school. I have so much unmitigated rage, even now, and the only way that I used to be able to handle it was by beating up someone else. I have broken bones and knocked people out. I got the same done to me. I don't regret it, but I'll never go back to it.

fireworks scare me so badly that I cry when they go off, and even when people light sparklers near me. I have many irrational fears that make no god damn sense. big dogs barking. the bottom of the ocean. being in love.

in junior high, I was convinced that I was incapable of loving or being loved. at my lowest points I even thought I was incapable of friendship. for all my bolster and ego, I still don't understand why people are friends with me. I take compliments badly because for as much as I love myself and think I'm amazing (one of the few genuine things about me is my self-confidence) I don't know how anyone else can think that.

I hate pity, though. more than anything else in the world, I loathe pity.

between 1999 and 2004, I was a compulsive liar. one of the reasons I have such terrible memories of St. Philomene and hate going back there is because much of my experiences there were built on lies. Loretto was my clean slate.

I think that I am better than most of my friends. usually only my friends who are girls. honest to god, I probably think that I'm better than you, but I'd never admit it. I'm not a misogynist, I'm not a self-hating woman, but I sure as shit have problems relating to them. it isn't because I've been scorned in the past. it's because I'm afraid of them really understanding me.

I hate being perceived as weak. I fight to the bone because I believe, mistakenly, that it's better to pass out from exhaustion than quit while you're ahead.

that being said, I don't take good care of my health.

I suck my thumb. I have since I was little. when I'm especially upset or tired, sometimes I still do. it's a tough habit to break. I'm trying.

I have smoked a lot of pot since I got to college. I like being high. it isn't preferable, but it is nice. I do it for social reasons — which makes my new friends sound bad, but please keep in mind that we also socialize stone cold sober. still. there was a reason I quit. there was also a reason I didn't want to quit. I do not regret smoking again. I will keep myself in check.

I drank three times before I took my vow of teetotaling, which was two years before I discovered my alcohol allergy. it made me horribly sick each time and I never enjoyed it. now I understand why. at the time, I just thought that that was what drinking was.

my parents divorced primarily because of me. my dad's mother tried to drown me. one of my aunts tried to cut my legs off. I don't harbor any bitterness toward either of them over it — like most "bad" experiences I went through, I just see them now as funny stories.

I've never tried to kill myself or even felt like I wanted to. I don't understand people with that urge. I feel like that hinders a lot of my understanding of my friends, because more people than you'd imagine have felt like that or still do.

I don't understand the need for nationalism or organized religion. I don't pretend to. either I am beyond them, or they are beyond me. probably the latter.

I feel like I should apologize right now, but I'm not, because I realize that it would undermine the whole point of this.

it would be a good idea to cut this. because it's long, and because it deals with some issues that people might not want to read. to which I say, scroll on by. -I- makes a good point in her poem, that the things people don't want to hear about are exactly what we should be talking about.

I say these things because they need to be said.

and now, the next step.

[identity profile] 2008-09-17 01:36 pm (UTC)(link)
I suck my thumb. I have since I was little. when I'm especially upset or tired, sometimes I still do. it's a tough habit to break. I'm trying.

It's a tough habit to break. I still do it, and I'm 23. :)
devil: (hmo KISSY KISSY)

[personal profile] devil 2008-09-17 05:34 pm (UTC)(link)
i like the secret about your grandma especially, because i have a similar story with my father. i tend to not tell people that one, because i don't think a lot of people can grasp the mentality of where a kid has to be to pick up a knife and have all instincts essentially be "fuck you you might be bigger but BRING IT"

coincidentally, my father also left me alone afterwards.

i never really considered the fact someone else had to do the same thing before. mine was with a kitchen knife. i scrambled for it and he told me to put it down, but i was like "make me!"

from that point on, i always stood up to him and he wasn't scary anymore. when he'd get exceptionally vile, i'd bark something like "go on, i DARE you to hit me, you were just in jail last week and i'm fourteen! who're they gonna believe?!" and relentlessly antagonize. my mom was awkwardly put in the middle of it until i left home.

i am shocked to hear how violent you were! i've never been violent, even though my family is full of the american equivalent of hyper-aggressive irish pikeys. even so, while growing up, my mom always told me "if you beat them up, i'll pay any fine. you don't put up with shit from anyone."
sailor: kanye ❊ colony ([[ dps ]] name the stars--)

[personal profile] sailor 2008-09-17 06:27 pm (UTC)(link)
what you said is exactly true. unless you've been there, you can't understand what that kid was thinking when they did that. I still can't even describe it well, and I've been trying for years, because it's one of those incidents that's powerful enough to make a great piece of writing. and then I realized that it's too big for writing. fksjd you get what I mean, I bet, seeing as you've been there.

fkjsdkjds the thing about keeping secrets like that is that you forget that they're secrets. my violence is such an ingrained part of me that I just assume that everyone knows, forgetting that I've always kept it to myself. I was a very angry kid. I mean, I still am. I just know how to channel it now. so yes, fun surprise for everyone! I punch things when I get mad!

[personal profile] devil 2008-09-17 07:28 pm (UTC)(link)
i'm always hesitant about telling that story or digging too deep because i feel like, when i tell it, it sounds like i'm trying to grab attention even if i'm not. i worry that it sounds like i am, because even if i don't care who thinks i'm an arrogant bitch, i dislike arrogance in myself. it's nothing i'll ever try to put down in writing. it's almost like i'm embarrassed, but embarrassed is the last way i'd use to really describe it.

i guess, when it comes to myself, i feel like that event says something about my character that is -- like you said -- too big to write. or, no matter how important writing is, to me it may be too important to really write in detail. to write every detail feels a little violating for me. i don't like those details about myself exposed.

when i was 11, i threw myself in front of one of my friends when she bounced wayward on a trampoline. she slammed into me instead of falling off to the ground. i didn't even think about doing it, it just happened. i haven't mentioned that in years outside of this lj comment. it's not a shameful secret by any means, but i don't usually feel comfortable talking about it because that instinct is still a large part of who i am.

kjgkhjl mfkjg i really don't know where i'm going with that one, but i guess i just feel like it's bragging when i'd rather let my personality speak for itself. it doesn't always, but sometimes it does and that's more important than what i'll ever have to say about it.

yet i just totally contradicted myself by posting that here and trying to get the point across. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH WORDS

[personal profile] devil 2008-09-17 05:43 pm (UTC)(link)
also, i say that i like that secret because things like that say a lot about a person's character. i like to say "i'm a huge coward!!" and "gosh i think i'd just run away from a really scary situation!!" but... a reoccurring trend of situations like the one with the knife and my father have taught me that, when i think my life depends on it, i don't run.

there IS a strength and durability in those kinds of stories. i believe, and maybe it's because i'm delusional since i've done the same thing, it shows an early sign that you're not just going to sit back and let bad things happen to you.

i'm not the strongest person, but i'm durable -- and in the end, that kind of strength is better than being stronger than anyone. no matter what happens, i'll endure and i'll come out better for it.

whenever people ask me if i'm okay, i always want to say "hahaha, of course i'm all right. who do you think i am? i mean really -- this is nothing. i'll get over it. don't feel sorry for me."

i always make myself say something a little less conceited.


but hey i relate. it takes a small amount of guts to type stuff like this no matter how much you love yourself.
sailor: kanye ❊ colony ([[ misc ]] ~organically~)

[personal profile] sailor 2008-09-17 06:22 pm (UTC)(link)
I do the same thing. when people ask me if I'm okay, that is. even when I bitch about my problems, I know that it's not really a thing, and that worse has happened — not just in the world, but to me specifically. which I guess is why I try to not complain so much, and focus more on asking how other people are instead? because I know not everyone deals as well. there's strength in learning from the past and growing from it, and I think we both have that, and I really really look up to you. I hope you know that.

[personal profile] devil 2008-09-17 07:33 pm (UTC)(link)
YOUR LOOKING UP TO ME IS MISPLACED but i'd be lying if i said i wasn't flattered someone like you does. insofar as admirable qualities, you have many more than i could even dream of grasping -- and you're ambitious, too! (i am too damn lazy and i don't care enough to take part in life. i dislike taking part in it. i like to watch it instead.) i am always amazed by people who have a lot of energy, because energy is something i severely lack.

there's a lot to be learned by looking at past events. sometimes i'll still discover something new about a way i behave and think "oh, so that's why i reacted that way..."

i admire the way you don't complain very much, too. personally, i LOVE to complain and i try to make room in my day for complaining as much as possible -- especially if it's about people, like alison!
heartbeats: ユーリ!!! on ICE ・ 「plastic」 (runners: until the race is won.)

[personal profile] heartbeats 2008-09-17 06:39 pm (UTC)(link)
I don't know what to say to this entry (and really, I don't think you were really seeking out reactions), but:

for all my bolster and ego, I still don't understand why people are friends with me. I take compliments badly because for as much as I love myself and think I'm amazing (one of the few genuine things about me is my self-confidence) I don't know how anyone else can think that.

I could have written this.
sailor: kanye ❊ colony (Default)

[personal profile] sailor 2008-09-18 10:08 am (UTC)(link)
some feelings are surprisingly universal.
exbentley: (ART → it's time to wade deeper)

[personal profile] exbentley 2008-09-18 02:52 am (UTC)(link)
did writing this assuage your guilt?

does pointing out your own flaws help you change them, or just give you an excuse to be right when others do the same?

this entry makes me sad, but not in the obvious way.
sailor: kanye ❊ colony (Default)

[personal profile] sailor 2008-09-18 10:08 am (UTC)(link)
temporarily, the former, and I'm sorry. that wasn't my intent. this comment made me sad, but also not in the obvious way.
exbentley: (QAF → & you wish it was sacred heart)

[personal profile] exbentley 2008-09-18 10:22 am (UTC)(link)
dammit, of course you're around when firefox refuses to start in anything other than safe mode. i apologize, this comment was somewhat bitchy and unnecessary. that doesn't lessen by concern for you or increase my opinion of this entry? but i feel bad reading over it anyway. i miss you.
sailor: kanye ❊ colony ([[ dps ]] keen.)

[personal profile] sailor 2008-09-18 10:53 am (UTC)(link)
I miss you too, probably more than I can say without sounding silly. (and you know us, we are NEVER EVER SILLY. heaven forfuckingfend.)
exbentley: (BTVS → i never joke about lesbians)

[personal profile] exbentley 2008-09-18 11:57 am (UTC)(link)
sailor: kanye ❊ colony ([[ producers ]] big gay love ballad.)

[personal profile] sailor 2008-09-18 07:12 pm (UTC)(link)

ilu. GOOD TIMES I might actually be around tonight!! force me to do things.

[identity profile] 2008-09-18 08:14 pm (UTC)(link)
I kept skimming my flist down to this entry yesterday, like starting first thing in the morning, and then getting interrupted by work and little people and stuff like that. Like four times. And I kept seeing it and thinking, wait, fight club? I should really read this when I have time, because it seems like actual original content, so to speak, and not the Archuletta, bandom, Korean bandom, and SPN crap that has completely taken over my flist these days.

So, anyway, finally had time, and wow. I think now I'm thinking less of Caitlin vs. The Nuns and more Caitlin! The Musical. The exclamation point is key, though. There's a lot there.
sailor: kanye ❊ colony (Default)

[personal profile] sailor 2008-09-19 01:41 am (UTC)(link)
well thank you! I've always thought that the highest honor would be having a musical made out of my life. it'd be a pretty shitty one, but still honorable. :x thanks, Ken.